The Eight Finest Strains From Clickhole’s Satirical Overview of Noma
The internationally renowned Copenhagen restaurant Noma is not lacking in applause. It has been named World’s Best Restaurant five times, has two Michelin stars, and is certainly one of the most sought-after reservations in the world. It is also praised by restaurant critics around the world. Now it’s getting the clickhole treatment.
The satirical website offered its own in-depth look at Noma’s hyper-local cuisine brand. Below are the best lines from what is surely the greatest review Noma has received:
About chef René Redzepi’s predilection for foraging: “Redzepi, who displaces large mountains of sand with hand grenades, almost immediately reveals a veritable buffet of herbs and products that protrude from the ground everywhere. There are wild parsnips, beach peas, sea lettuce, spicy lilacs, Osama bin Laden’s stranded corpse, horseradish, mustard flowers and green goosefoot – all grow in the same 1.2 m radius.
“We use the horseradish in a sea urchin dish, the salad with salted cod roe, and the leg of the corpse to make a nice broth with beets roasted in ash,” he explains.
To Redzepi’s respect for his ingredients: “Just as Redzepi manages to tear the vinegar out of his pocket, the eight-second season of the carrot ends and it explodes into a mushroom cloud of maggots and nine-volt batteries. The explosion left both of us badly burned on large parts of our bodies, ”but Redzepi doesn’t seem worried.
“To be a good cook, you have to respect the ingredients,” he muses. ‘You don’t go into this job if you’re not willing to be blown up by root vegetables from time to time.’ “
To develop new uses for traditional Nordic foods: “Experiments conducted at the facility have resulted in an astonishing array of breakthrough gastronomic achievements in recent years, including, but not limited to, a portable particle accelerator that reconfigures milk molecules in real time to make it possible to make ice cream without an ice cream cone eat; a crudo who know where you live; a way to genetically modify the ants’ pheromones so that the ants taste like moths; a 19-course tasting menu in which each ingredient is infused with a highly concentrated lactic acid, creating a The self-composting effect is that every forkful of food dissolves into thin air when a customer tries to take a bite; a radish that is also a weapon; a thermal centrifuge chamber the size of a meat chamber in which butter can be melted; a method of consolidation of 100 individual raisins into a huge, united bundle of raisins and with helium stuffed chanterelles that will rip your head off and float into space if you stick more than one in your M at once. “
About Redzepi’s kitchen staff: “While the cooks work hard to carefully plate mussels and conjure up intricate emulsions, a little hunchback named Fossegaar, who wears a lace bonnet and leather knee breeches, plucks traditional tunes on his hurdy-gurdy on his hurdy-gurdy, for which he is paid with porridge. A dutiful forest bear named Hungry Harald works as a garçon de cuisine, patrols the kitchen and is available to the chefs if something needs to be torn up or ground to dust. ‘Poppa loves you,’ says Redzepi.
About the ambience of the restaurant: “Ten minutes go by without the waitresses giving a signal, and I see the guests at other tables getting restless. Then, as I get impatient too, the silence is suddenly broken by the majestic roar of four trumpets, swinging them up, and Fossegaar, the hunchback, unrolling on a golden tricycle, wearing a tiara of antlers. “
To eat: “I crack the egg so its yolks cascade over the other ingredients, but to my amazement there are no yolks. Instead, a live fetal quail emerges through the broken shell and stretches its fragile, tiny body and stares somberly into mine.It unfolds its still wet wings and flutters two feet above the table where it hovers peacefully for a few moments before, without warning Head lowers and plunges right into my mouth. “
About the, uh, whim of Redzepi’s food: “True to the mission of Noma, the execution of the second and third courses is decidedly Scandinavian. One is a poignant ode to the Copenhagen of the Reformation, in which a” chimney sweep “(a tiny figure made of charred pumpkin with beech nuts eyes and a barley grass broom) coughs” Lung soot “(caviar and squid ink), and your task is to baptize it in” holy water “(goblet with barley cream) so that his soul can pass on his soul into the Lutheran heaven. Death ‘(you eat him).”
With the imminent closure of Noma (it will eventually reopened with a new menu and a new look): “’If the future is similar to the present, then there is no point in going on – you already know the whole story,’ ponders Redzepi. ‘I always want to tell new stories with Noma. Bigger stories, better stories. Stories like none that have never been told before. ‘
“But the most important thing I want to do is figure out how to capture clouds and cook them,” he continues. ‘That would be pretty neat.’ “
• The best restaurant in the world: Discover a new era of dining at Noma [Clickhole]
• All noma covers [E]
